How to End a Relationship with Kindness and Understanding

Breaking up with someone is never easy, especially when you care deeply for them. It becomes even more
challenging when you are aware of the impact it will have on the other person. In this case, the author of
the original post finds themselves in a difficult situation with their current partner, “G,” who has been
nothing but supportive and loving. However, due to personal struggles and emotional baggage from a previous
violent relationship, the author feels overwhelmed and realizes that they need more time to heal and recover.

Ending a relationship is a delicate process that requires careful consideration and thoughtful communication.
Here are some suggestions on how to approach this difficult conversation with your partner:

1. Reflect on your feelings and reasons: Before initiating the conversation, take the time to understand your
   own emotions and the reasons behind your decision. Ask yourself if the relationship is truly what you need
   at this point in your life, considering your personal healing journey.
2. Choose the right time and place: It is crucial to find a suitable time and place to have this conversation.
   Make sure both of you are comfortable, and try to choose a neutral location where you can have privacy and
   uninterrupted space to express your thoughts.
3. Be honest and open: When talking to your partner, express your feelings openly and honestly. Share your
   fears, concerns, and desires for more time to heal and focus on yourself. Emphasize that this decision is
   not about them or their actions but rather about your own personal growth and well-being.
4. Offer reassurance and support: During the conversation, reassure your partner that this decision is not a
   reflection of their character or how much they mean to you. Let them know that they have been a positive
   force in your life and that you genuinely care for them. Offer support and suggest maintaining a
   friendship, if both of you are open to it.
5. Allow them to express their feelings: Understand that your partner might feel hurt, confused, or
   disappointed by the sudden end of the relationship. Give them the space to express their emotions without
   interruption. Listen empathetically and validate their feelings, showing that you acknowledge their
   pain.
6. Give them time: Understand that your partner might need time to process the information and come to terms
   with the end of the relationship. Respect their need for space and distance, allowing them the opportunity
   to heal as well.
7. Seek professional help if necessary: If you or your partner find it challenging to cope with the emotional
   aftermath of the breakup, consider seeking professional help. Therapy or counseling can provide both of you
   with the necessary tools to manage your emotions and navigate this difficult situation.

Ultimately, ending a relationship with kindness and understanding is about acknowledging your own needs and
respecting the other person’s feelings. By approaching the conversation with empathy, honesty, and sincerity,
you can help minimize the pain and facilitate a healthier and more respectful transition for both parties
involved.

Personal Context

I am 29 years old and have been in a relationship with a man named “G” for about four months. G is a wonderful
person, a loving father of two children, a hard worker, and he has always treated me well. We have great
chemistry and I enjoy talking to him.

We met at a bar about four months after my previous relationship ended. That relationship lasted for several
years and was a violent one. It reached a point where I was hospitalized and my ex was arrested. There were
legal charges involved and it was a terrible experience. Additionally, I experienced the stillbirth of a child
from that relationship at around 21 weeks, nearly two years ago.

G knows about all of these past events. When we met, neither of us expected to have such a strong relationship.
Now, I am starting to panic because I realize that it may have been too soon for me to enter into another
serious relationship. Despite my instincts telling me to take things slow and remain single, I chose to be
exclusive with G. He has been supportive and insists on being there for me as I navigate through the aftermath
of my past. However, I feel like this process of untangling everything will take a long time. I don’t even know
how to approach this or how to end the relationship. G is deeply in love with me and is the most devoted
boyfriend. But I can’t shake off this overwhelming anxiety. He is a wonderful person and I genuinely care for
him, but I feel like I need more time. On paper, I know I rushed into this relationship too quickly, and I need
advice on how to explain this to him without completely shattering his heart. He envisions a future with me,
wants us to move in together in six months, and believes that we may eventually get married. I would love all
of those things too, but breaking up still feels like the right decision.

I am not in the best mental state. I often have nightmares when we sleep together. I recently discovered that I
have flashbacks, and I had a particularly bad one when he entered the closet while I was getting dressed.
Sometimes, I struggle with sleep and feel like I’m losing my sanity. The biggest challenge for me is dealing
with constant anxiety. It has been almost two years since the stillbirth, and I frequently have recurring
nightmares about a newborn suffocating on a table while I’m unable to save him/her. I also have nightmares
where my ex-boyfriend is chasing me through a maze, trying to find me. I have intrusive thoughts about my ex
getting out of prison and harming my boyfriend’s children. I know that these thoughts are paranoid, but they
have a real impact on my body and mind, driving me to a state of madness. Sometimes, I even have vivid dreams
where my current boyfriend becomes the perpetrator of my ex’s violent actions. I am anxious all the time and
feel like I’m losing control of my mind.

How do I end this relationship? What do I tell a man who has always been kind to me from the beginning and has
gone above and beyond to accommodate my needs (fixing the door in his room to prevent it from shifting when
the air conditioner turns on, which triggers me, making efforts not to startle me, and every other way my
previous partner failed to be)? He hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s all my fault. I just know that he will be
devastated, and I’m unsure of what to say.